Nothing To Do, Nowhere To Be But Not Exactly Free…

Writing this, I realized I have never been so scared. Scared to give it a name and give it power. Scared to be right and not knowing what to do and at the same time scared to be wrong and feel utterly without worth.

I have never been one to share my problems when it’s currently unresolved or share my negative thoughts until I get a better handle on them. But this one, it feels like I have no choice. I don’t know any other way. I needed to do something and writing seems like a good way to confess.

This is not a slump after all. It’s just not affecting my motivation for writing but also my motivation for everything.

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There is no why for it. It just is.

Sleep has become my worst enemy and greatest friend. My dearest earphones became my constant ‘do not disturb’ sign until my ears are practically bleeding from overuse. Reading that has been my joy became my crutch and thought numbing drug. When I figured I never wanted my thoughts in my head and I couldn’t sleep to escape, I put stories and thoughts of others in there and read to exhaustion. No wonder my goodreads reading challenge is twice the number of the initial goal as of now. I read whatever I got my hands on and reading also meant I didn’t need to get out of bed.

Food became guilt and I never wanted it in my body. I hated my body. I never realized I was hungry until I was dizzy with it and eventually I stopped feeling that too or maybe I just got used to it. I ate one meal a day and usually that was at night when I’m awake. I felt so guilty eating because I felt I didn’t deserve it because I wasn’t doing anything. I felt so worthless that I took it out on my body. The irony was that I never lost weight and I even thought I was gaining, and that just made me hate myself even more.

My body clock shifted because I hated seeing myself in the light. I was awake at odd hours when there were barely any people around and it was such relief from forced interactions, but at the same time I was lonely. How contradicting, I know, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way. It was painful for me to realize that it was my fault no one ever reaches out to me anymore because I make it a point to avoid them and their messages.

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When I had trouble sleeping, I read books, gorged myself on tv series and music but nothing helped. When I was finally able to sleep I never wanted to get out of bed. I felt like a zombie just going through the motions but never really caring for myself. Just thinking about going out and actually doing something made me feel so exhausted and hopeless. I know I wanted to get better but I don’t exactly know what to do. I know I needed to do something, anything to get myself out of this hole but thinking of something and putting it in action seems like an insurmountable step and I just couldn’t.

I tried once. I told my parents in the first half of this year that I wasn’t sleeping. And even when I slept I wasn’t rested. I told them I couldn’t concentrate on my review for the exam I was supposed to be taking and that I didn’t know what to do. I went home and tried to be the old me again. I thought it worked. I thought that it was because I had cold feet and nervousness for my exam and I felt terrible and ashamed. I even stopped blogging because I thought it would help me focus. I now know it was the wrong move because it left me without an outlet these past few months.

I felt so horribly drained. Physically, mentally and emotionally. This second half of the year didn’t get better and I was back to that hole. I tried to talk myself into climbing out but I didn’t see the point because I knew somehow I would just fall again.

I hinted but didn’t try as hard to tell my parents I couldn’t do it again this time, because they have always been supportive of me and my decisions that I felt so guilty and I felt like I was just being lazy and a disappointment if I couldn’t take the exam. I tried to do it alone. I gave myself every opportunity to be better, planning it out and convincing myself. It felt like I was convincing myself and planning my steps majority of the time but when it was time to take action, I just couldn’t. I remember one time I actually came close to doing something and I felt like I was holding my breath and holding and holding it and hoping I would pass out just so I won’t have to do it. In my mind I couldn’t breathe and my chest hurt but I never passed out. No such luck.

“It’s like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends, but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.”

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Tiredness is a permanent state now. Exhausted and frustrated doesn’t even cover the feelings I have for myself. Ashamed that I’m still standing on the same spot while others are moving on with their lives.

I have always been self conscious but it’s painfully evident now at least in my mind. I couldn’t even imagine telling my parents all of this because I am so afraid they won’t believe it. That they’ll say it’s just procrastination, laziness and self doubt, and that I can do it if I try hard enough. Their positivity and belief just makes it all the more painful. I couldn’t even tell them how hard it is to get out of bed now that I am finally sleeping. I sleep and sleep and sleep and it’s not any better. I woke up wanting to sleep again.

I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it. But all I could was whisper “I’m fine.”

I never wanted a label. Never felt the need to give it a name. Afraid that I am right, afraid that I’m wrong. I don’t want it hurled back to my face with them saying I was just using it as an excuse for everything. I never wanted it. I didn’t even realize it. Or maybe I kept denying and hoping at the back of my mind it wasn’t true. They’ll say it’s more common than you think but the knowledge doesn’t make it any less hard to bear.

I didn’t even consider writing this until I was writing it now. I wanted to scream it out but for now writing makes it better. Cathartic.

I cried today. I talked to that one friend who has been with me even when I was hiding and being the hermit that I was. In hindsight, her presence nearby was a relief. Morbidly enough, I thought if I didn’t show up for a few days she’ll be knocking on my door wondering if I’m still alive. She kept me grounded and sane in a way. It was partly her fault that I’m writing all of this because she was encouraging me to get back to blogging.

“It exist without you knowing it, even denying it. It is not an illusion. You don’t even know you’re in it. It takes awhile before you realize it.”

I am eating more now but I still feel guilty. I hit hard pause on the book overdose and just rereading bits and pieces now.. I’m still in that hole. I am still trying. Maybe that’s all I can do right now. Keep trying.

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20 thoughts on “Nothing To Do, Nowhere To Be But Not Exactly Free…

  1. Welcome back, even if just for this once. I missed you! ❤️
    I can see how it’s scary to express so many things, but please don’t refrain from it. Maybe I haven’t known you for long and don’t know you all that personally, but I do sincerely wish you the best, and would never mind reading randomized ramblings. Feel free to DM me if you want too!
    Being not okay isn’t something you should feel guilty about.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I missed so many things too.. The wordpressland and you guys most of all. Thank you, Moya. That means a lot.
      I know it’s ok not being ok. But I can’t help what I feel at times 😦 It’s hard.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Chizu, first of all, let me give you a virtual hug. I can empathize with your struggles, I have been there as well and it is not nice. I’m sorry to say this, but unfortunately the only way out is to keep swimming, keep trying and eventually find something in the way that motivates you, gives you a purpose and makes your days brighter with something to look forward to. The key here is, don’t stop, even when you don’t feel like getting out of your bed, force yourself to go out and take out the trash, go to the library, enjoy the view, push yourself 1% more of your comfort zone and celebrate your little victories. It is great that you have a friend you can lean on, they are the most precious beings in our life. Also, writing down your thoughts, what troubles you deep down and what you are grateful for, that can help you put things onto perspective when everything feels chaotic around you. You are not alone Chizu ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much, Alice. Your words mean a lot. Thanks for reading through my sea of negativity. Writing really helped sort my thoughts and it’s also one way to ‘keep swimming’. I feel like each post is a small victory too so there’s that.

      💜 I’ll keep that in mind.

      Like

  3. Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but I think when I first read one of your posts, I realised that you and I were basically the same person. And then when you went missing from the blogosphere, I just knew that you were *sorry to use the word, but it’s easier out than in* depressed. And reading this brought me back all the memories of the stages I went through when I started suffering from depression.

    You are depressed, it’s okay, you’re human, and a totally awesome human being from what I’ve seen (well, read). Sorry, that I’ve said it so bluntly. I’m not a professional, so I’m not sure what I can say, but if you need to talk, feel free to message me on Twitter. In the meantime, if you’re finding it difficult to speak to your parents (in the face of so much positivity, it just ends up making you feel guilty, I know how you feel), have you thought about speaking to your doctor? I found when I went through CBT and started writing again, those were the two most helpful things I did. I don’t think I can explain to you how much it helped… I think you might find it quite relieving too, if you ever think about looking into it. That first step can be really hard, but when you do (and I’m sure you will), it’ll be worth it.

    Welcome back. All the best 💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 😊 I considered that too and even though I’ve been doing well now what with eating and sleeping I’m still worried about what to do when I hit low again. And I actually am thinking about talking to a professional but just haven’t found the time to and to be honest it scares me.

      Again, thank you so much 💜 for taking the time to comment and offering to listen and talk. You’re an anazing human being too and given that we’re practically twins you already know that ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It is difficult to figure out what to do, everyone has different self-care tricks that work for them, so I guess it depends on what makes you feel good… maybe blogging is a good way for you? And yes, definitely, if you can, speak to a professional, I find that being able to talk it through with someone helps a lot and with a professional they’ll be able to help you. Hopefully you can find a good one, and if you find one that doesn’t work for you, ditch them until you find a right fit. 🙂

        Aw, you’re so kind and anytime you need to talk just send me a message. 💖

        Liked by 1 person

  4. One of my close, closest friends feel the exact same way.
    I just read you were worried about talking toa professional, but I think you should go for it Chi-san…
    Hang in there, wishing you the warmest wishes, we’ll be here if you ever need us.

    Liked by 1 person

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